I don't know if I have grown up.. abit maybe.. well I certainly wish that is so.

I was reading all the past angry posts in here. And I realised I am more understanding now than then. Must be part of becoming working adult.

Or maybe everyone has changed slightly for the better too. Or maybe not.

Yup, I think I am more understanding and definitely more tolerant now than the ME a few years ago.

I don't really know what's gotten into me. I know my mood get affected a lot at home. It's like when I'm outside I'm usually cheerful unless I'm in pain (like physical pain). And I'm not easily affected by the mood around me. I take real pride in that.

But at home it's not so easy. When one nags throughout her waking hours, one who listens gets very frustrated. Mother just have to say something bad whenever she opens her mouth. And she has to open her mouth at least half the time she's awake and whenever there's someone there for her to nag at or complain to.

I can't take this. It doesn't help that I have really sharp ears. Probably the sharpest pair in the house. The choice of words, the tone, the loudness, the frequency. When all that are at their worst combination, all the time, I don't think anyone else can bear it.

And what is this about my money, my work and my boyfriend. Why must she bring this up at every talk and argument not relating at all to these 3. I don't get stress at work. And if I do, all stresses are left behind at work so I never bring them home. I can't even bring them home, I mean, it's not like I can bring work home. And I have no problem with the people I meet at work. So no relationship stress to bring home as well.

When I list out all my monthly expenses and calculate ahead how much I can save every month, this is what is called budget planning. How can anyone call this being stingy. Just what the hell does she want me to help pay that I didn't. What was it that I didn't pay enough as compared to my sister. In fact, I paid more. And she has to buy me less expensive stuffs than my sister cause I don't make her pay. Even if I wanted it, I always say I don't need it and I would buy it on my own some other time.

My boyfriend brings me both happiness and unhappiness. But of course, it's much more happiness than unhappiness or else I would be a masochist to still stay with him. One thing is for sure though. My boyfriend gives me warmth and comfort when home is cold and unbearable because of her. Whereas when my boyfriend gives me stress, I never have to complain to her. Because we will solve it between the two of us. And my behaviour at home is not affected at all by the stress and unhappiness I get from the boyfriend. Whenever I am visibly upset at home, it is only due to one cause and that will be stress from home itself, and mostly from the mother. I'm the type to put all my soul into what I'm doing wherever I am. I don't bring mood from one place to another. It's not fair like that right.

I am so stressed up with my money matter because she wants more from me. Doesn't she understand that. All my stresses are from her. Not only is she blind enough, or deluded enough, to not see that, she has to blame it on other stuffs. How can she just accused thoughtlessly that I am in this state of bad temper cause of boyfriend and work. Worse, those stuffs are the only things that keep me sane - boyfriend, work and money. How can she not get on my nerve. She calls me bad temper? The fact that I can bear it out till this day has made me more than a mere mortal. To be unaffected by it, that would make me either dead or a saint - who is dead too by the way.

I so want to be away. To live by myself. Where is that overseas job? Where is the money to cover all necessary expenses. Oh, this world is cruel.

Wow, this place is like abandoned. Haha.. Anyway, what evil things do I have to say for now?
Probably nothing much. But this peaceful feeling won't be for long. For now I'll not spoil it then.

Depressed? Wronged? Pissed?

I wish this dark dark mood surrounding me will leave me quickly. Not even a few hours of game can relieve it. I forgot about it yes. But it was just temporary. Tears are threatening to pour down soon. Not that it's a big problem. I cry so damn easily the tears have no value at all in this world. I wish I have more money than I have tears. My body always seem prepared, like full storage of it ready anytime anywhere.

This is not going to stop, is it. It'll just go in circles, never ending. Sigh.
Damn this stupid feeling.
But I can't help it.
I want a boyfriend who can dedicate all his time for me.
Okay, 90% then.

The year 2006 has been a rather unpleasant year. Here I am wishing that the new year will be a happier year for me.

And I love my dear very much. :)

I don't really understand what's going on with me. This strange 'thing' has gone on for almost half of the year already. It's going to be a new year, a new beginning soon. I want things to be okay. I don't want to carry over the unhappiness to next year. And I'm positively tired. I want to give up. And I have decided that giving up is the best. It won't work. I'm not pessimistic. It's the reality. It won't work. I know.

How I wish I can turn back time and undo certain wrong things. But that's not possible. And I'm not going to dwell over the past that cannot be changed and will only haunt me if I don't let it go. So I will learn. I will learn to live with it. I know eventually I will succeed. It's the painful process that I'm worried about. Sometimes I can be weak.

He is not what I need. He is not what I want. I don't want to be unhappy in the future. Now is better than later.