it was just slightly more than 14 hours since i last heard your voice, and i'm already missing you badly. imagine what it will be like in 10 days, 6 weeks or a year. i have no idea at all whether i can cope. well i guess we just have to see, since things are pretty much confirmed so far. i do dread it though.

you know once in while i imagine going to school with you, eating lunch with you, studying in the library with you, spending break with you and so on. it could be fun. but it could also make things worse, like if we spend too much time together then we'll get sick of seeing each other or something.. haha.. but well, guess there's no chance to see how it will turn out now.

i am excited that you're having your dream come true, that you're going to see places. i admit i was a bit jealous, or you can call it envious, that you're going, and i couldn't. but it's alright now, i mean.. i can't help it if my family aren't supportive.

so the problem now is that long-distance relationship is very taxing. i know i tell you it isn't fair for us to promise to wait for each other while we're not 'confirmed'. i would rather not put the unnecessary burden on either one of us. you may think that i can't wait to fall in love with another, but you know, i'm sure i'll be waiting for you. even though three years is not a short time.

it's funny how at times i want your hug so much i don't think i can wait anymore. but i'll learn dear. i'll learn patience. even though i'm tempted.. so very tempted.. to just tell you 'i don't do long distance' so i can save some heartache. but i'll wait still. with no promise whatsoever. i'll just wait. and i hope it is enough for you. because this is all i can do.

sometimes i wonder, do you ever take me seriously. i didn't joke when i tell you this is not the kind of relationship i have always dreamt to have. but you merely dismiss it aside as if i have never spoken at all. at times i've gotten sick of the idea of telling you i actually thought it will not matter eventually, cause i'll be getting a new partner and be in a relationship that i want, that i am most comfortable with. you make me think that it is something that cannot be undone, and i can't help but treat it like a mistake i just have to live with until i have received my due punishment. and only then i can start afresh. you make me think things are too late with you, perhaps it is. you seems to be the kind that only go straight. the pace of our progress scares me. but you didn't stop the pace for me. and i don't think i can put it in words just how disappointed i am. i don't see how you can be so sure i am the one for you. what i fear is that maybe it is all in your head only. that you are putting me right in the middle of your imagination of an ideal partner, but it is not me you're seeing. because i can't yet imagine to be with you in the future. you might think i am trying to find the ideal person to fit my own imagination and it is silly. perhaps i am, but it's not as if i did not ever want that person to be with you. it's just that you don't fit. perhaps this is why first love doesn't work. you enter without any idea what you want out of it, or what outcome you want to have; and by the time you know it, things have gone off wrong and like a one-way street, you can't turn back. you just have to ride along till you reach the end of the road. and get stuck there for a while, hopefully there is a new path carved out for you soon, so you can be ready to begin a new journey. i hate myself for thinking this way. sometimes i thought if i am not appreciative enough as a person, like maybe i am too greedy. but i just can't help it.

ah, i hate myself sometimes. why does everything go wrong today? i was putting in my best effort. i guess if it's not meant to be it's not meant to be *sigh*

feel as if i'm burning candle on both ends. not just physically exhausted but mentally as well. feel unappreciated, taken for granted. i don't feel the love, the excitement. i'm regretting the past, wish i could turn back time. realised i'm actually stupid. want someone i could put the blame on, some place i could start afresh, dreading the future, realising too late i was right.

this is all messed up.

when what you get isn't what you want
when you don't even get anything
when what you get is something you'd rather not getting
when you lose something precious to you
when you lose things you thought you won't lose
when things don't go as planned
when everything seems to be against you and your goals
when you can't stop wanting
when you desperately hope time can turn back and wait for you

But on top of everything else, it sucks most
when you lose control